Apparently This Matters: R.I.P., 'Gangnam Style'

Apparently This Matters: R.I.P., 'Gangnam Style'
Food and Fun

POSTED: Friday, October 12, 2012 - 9:30pm

UPDATED: Friday, October 12, 2012 - 9:34pm

It was cute for a while. We had some fun. And a few Americans even learned to locate South Korea on a map. (I think it's near Pittsburgh.)

But now it's time for all of us to come together and stop the madness. Thus, let it be known that I hereby declare October 12, 2012, as the day "Gangnam Style" died.

Sorry, folks. We're done. It's officially no longer a thing. Psy seems like a really good dude, and I hate to have done this to his song, but this morning I slowly walked "Gangnam Style" out into the backyard, thanked it for the good times and shot it.

"Oppa is Old Yeller style!"

The last straw came for me when I was searching the Web for interesting writing topics and stumbled upon yet another trending video of a group dance using this song. Too many people thought this mattered, and I just couldn't take it. Right then and there, I experienced what some people in the medical community might describe as a mild freakout. So, let me just give a big thanks to the random stranger who pulled my shaking, half-naked body out of the storm gutter near my house.

Actually, that was last week and totally unrelated. But, nevertheless, thanks.

Now, before I go any further, I probably need to stop and explain "Gangnam Style" to my mom and dad, who, at this moment, are completely lost.

"Honey, do you have any idea what Jarrett's talking about?"

"Shhhh. Golf Channel."

Basically, Mom and Dad, "Gangnam Style" is a fun, catchy pop song by South Korean artist Psy. The official music video debuted on YouTube on July 15, went crazy viral and has since earned more than 430 million views.

That said, dear parents, "Gangnam Style" is more than just a song. It's also a dance (sort of) whose main signature move can best be described as riding a horse or, perhaps, fornicating with a kangaroo. So, you know, enjoy that little visual, and I'll see you at Thanksgiving.

As for the title: It actually refers to a posh district in Seoul where people are considered trendy and lavish, and the video colorfully exaggerates this uber-affluent lifestyle. In other words, one might say Beverly Hills is Gangnam Style. T.J. Maxx is not.

(Though there does appear to be a T.J. Maxx in Beverly Hills, Michigan. Discuss.)

For historical comparison, at least in my lifetime, I suppose the closest thing we've ever had to "Gangnam Style" was "Macarena" by Los del Rio. While the song "Macarena" -- and its signature dance, THE Macarena -- didn't enjoy the luxury of YouTube, it did somehow manage to become an international sensation in the mid-'90s. If you were at a party or a sporting event or (seriously) even the Democratic National Convention, you were (by penalty of death) required to dance the Macarena. And to this day, I still know it by heart.

Mind you, I can barely remember what I was doing 30 seconds ago, but even after more than 15 years, I absolutely, positively recall every last move of the Macarena.

Just to be sure, I demonstrated it for our 23-year-old intern and then asked if she'd like me to teach it to her.

Her wise response: "Do I have to?"

So we've long since rid ourselves of "Macarena," and now we say goodbye to "Gangnam Style." They're not a perfect comparison, for as best as I can tell, "Gangnam Style" isn't necessarily a fully composed dance but more of a song that features several signature dance moves. I already described the main one, and the other biggie looks like some sort of crazed, hyper-animated version of the Axl Rose. Well, at least from back in the day when the Guns 'n Roses frontman didn't have to move around stage on a Rascal.

The point is this: "Gangnam Style" is officially dead.

True, the U.N. didn't grant me absolute authority to murder it in the backyard, but I assure you it's taken care of. So, no more group dancing. No more stadium JumboTrons. No more Internet parodies. It's done. Alas, I wish this old boy could've been put out to stud, but for the safety of future generations, "Gangnam Style" simply had to die.

It won't see you at Thanksgiving.

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